After a few two many Red Bulls the other evening I dialed my “Mr. Muscles”, a nickname I like to call the shiny headed stallion who has given us so many fabulous household products.  I kneaded to vent and confess I wanted to come clean.  I admitted to him that I have been infatuated with FELS NAPTHA for years but have recently sworn off the bar; it is a crock.  My dear friend was clearly agitated but assured me he was not done with me yet. 

“Sometimes, Naughty Nan, you make mistakes—BLACK marks on your conscience.  But poor choices can make you a bigger, stronger person, like me.  Although I refuse to spray you with compliments on your soiled past, I will ask you to believe in me from now until hell boils over.

Speaking of hell and boiling, have you heard that my X Betty Crocker and I no longer live together?  Yup, we’ve split like two over-ripe bananas.    She came home half- baked two many nights, so I told her I could not stand the heat so—get out of the kitchen!   

To protect herself, she pulled out just in time—before she was burnt out.” 

Mr. Clean kept chatting me up.

  “Nanner, what’s past is passed.  There is no Magic Eraser for filthy behavior, but my beating heart forgives you.  We will find another, more powerful solution.  Like Betty used to bee, you are a good egg regardless of your cycle, and I am sure you will clean up your act. Betty ate up all her savings so is living off the Dole and dates a shriveled up old prune called Bud Weiser.  He wants his cake and eats it too, and the washed up cook’s cup runs over with syrupy sweet love.  Makes me want to puke!    

Me…I am doing well.  I have never committed a grime in my 54 years on this ever-warming globe.  PLUS, I have several new fragrances coming out as we speak.

So once again I am a winner.  I will give you samples of my new senses if you’d like:  Lavender Vanilla/Fabulous Forest/Glacier Waterfall/Tangy Citrus.  These aromas are so delicious you’ll be tempted to drink my citrusy all-purpose cleaner and/or munch one of my lavender vanilla MAGIC ERASER bath scrubbers while you soak—in a sudsy, meadow & rain infused, no-wax floor cleaner.     

Proctor gambled on new smells and won.  And I am the hero of this incredible non-fiction, long story.  But now I must hang up and get to my laundry.  Every darn white T- shirt I own is in the hamper, not really soiled but their cent is fading and I got a BIG job to do first thing in the mourning.  Don’t worry about your tarnished history, Nance, just rise to the next occasion like a luscious lemon soufflé.   I look forward to seeing you at Wal-Mart sooner not later.

Ciao for now!”


Mum was pretty much the word on my END.


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