LAME NAMES

My silly son and  I like to sit around and think up crazy names  and careers for these individuals.  The following are but a few of our creations:

Will Crouch=CELLAR INSPECTOR

Elaine Changer=TRAFFIC REPORTER

Noah Payne=PHYSICIAN

Penny  Savor=FINANCIAL ADVISOR

Cookie Crumm=BAKER

Hugh Shade=INTERIOR DESIGNER

Patty Berger=FIVE GUYS MANAGER

Ted Bare=F.A.O. SWARTZ ASSOCIATE

Mike R. Fone=PUBLIC SPEAKER

Arthur  Eyetis=RHEUMATOLOGIST

Pat Bottoms=NANNY

Cat Licker=NUN

Dick Little=PORN STAR

Matt Flore=CARPET LAYER

Tiger Woods=LUMBER JACK

Tiffany  Choker=GOLD DIGGER

Flip Holmes=REALTOR

Peg Limm=ORTHOPEDIC SURGEON

Tap Miller=BREWER

Tap Waters=C.E.O., EVIAN

Tap Dansing-PERFORMING ARTIST

Tap Dore=MORMON MISSIONARY

Nick Barber=MALE HAIRDRESSER

May Storm=WEATHER FORECASTER

Sherry Drinker=BARTENDER

Nan Scents=CRAZY AUTHOR, Naked Joy

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MY STELLAR SON–

product…

I swear, I have tried everything under the sun to bronze myself, but hard as I try to turn over a new face, I tend to use Coppertone in a squeeze. Its penetrating scent takes me back to the lake in Idaho, afternoons baking/splashing in the pool, and grueling hours life guarding at our town’s version of a country club.  Read my upcoming memoir “‘NAKED JOY” and you might turn red as I share details of my daze perched on the guard stand–in a chapter I’ve labeled “Wacky Work”.
Back to lotion emotion.  Hearts warm with the image of  an adorable, tiny, pig-tailed girl with a black cocker spaniel, the pup pulling down her bathing suit from behind, revealing snow white cheeks in contrast to her otherwise pinkish/tan little body.  The famous Coppertone girl was “born” at the age of 3, in 1944 , so today must be 71 but does not look a day over 4.  She remains sunningly cute even in sweltering heat.
However, around the turn of this century, Merck, the creator of this icon, decided the image of little ‘Miss White Tush”  was too racy.  So conservative artists revised her image to be less revealing.  Nowadays the girl wears a white T shirt and the dog merely tugs on her shirt rather than exposing her derriere.  I find this refreshing, somehow.  While today actors strut nude on daytime soaps, teenagers belt trousers at their knees, and people sport thongs to “cover” their private parts as well as soles, someone is toning down an advertisement.  Fancy that…
Sum people don’t know that in 1965 the sunny dispositioned Jodie Foster got her start on T.V. as the Coppertone Kid at the golden age of 3.  Since that starring role, the foster child’s career has been shining.  She is one, hot mama, burning with passionate talent.  Fellow actors claim she is a ray of sunshine on the set.
Coppertone’s “sister” is BAIN de SOLEIL,which is french for “sun bathing”.  Aimed at older, more sophisticated customers, I used this fragrant orange gel through my twenties, when I felt bold and brave and beyond my old, reliable Coppertone.  I came to my cents by 30 and claimed Coppertone would be my protector for the rest of my time under the sun.
At the moment I must turn over the sun  flower seeds toasting in my oven, so best close this post and fetch the male. But not without reminding you loyal, healthy readers that in 1944 Coppertone suntan lotion was marketed as the ideal potion for a deeper, darker tan.  Beef jerky,the kids and I used to describe the dark brown bathers who laid around the pool every afternoon from May threw September.  Today, the same protective sun-screening product promotes even, fair skin, a youthful complexion.  Also, fewer visits to the doctor for removal of suspicious moles, or a shot or 3 of anti-freeze to eliminate squint/lip lines drawn by solar’s power.
Have a good  one!

MAKING SCENTS

After a few two many Red Bulls the other evening I dialed my “Mr. Muscles”, a nickname I like to call the shiny headed stallion who has given us so many fabulous household products.  I kneaded to vent and confess I wanted to come clean.  I admitted to him that I have been infatuated with FELS NAPTHA for years but have recently sworn off the bar; it is a crock.  My dear friend was clearly agitated but assured me he was not done with me yet. 

“Sometimes, Naughty Nan, you make mistakes—BLACK marks on your conscience.  But poor choices can make you a bigger, stronger person, like me.  Although I refuse to spray you with compliments on your soiled past, I will ask you to believe in me from now until hell boils over.

Speaking of hell and boiling, have you heard that my X Betty Crocker and I no longer live together?  Yup, we’ve split like two over-ripe bananas.    She came home half- baked two many nights, so I told her I could not stand the heat so—get out of the kitchen!   

To protect herself, she pulled out just in time—before she was burnt out.” 

Mr. Clean kept chatting me up.

  “Nanner, what’s past is passed.  There is no Magic Eraser for filthy behavior, but my beating heart forgives you.  We will find another, more powerful solution.  Like Betty used to bee, you are a good egg regardless of your cycle, and I am sure you will clean up your act. Betty ate up all her savings so is living off the Dole and dates a shriveled up old prune called Bud Weiser.  He wants his cake and eats it too, and the washed up cook’s cup runs over with syrupy sweet love.  Makes me want to puke!    

Me…I am doing well.  I have never committed a grime in my 54 years on this ever-warming globe.  PLUS, I have several new fragrances coming out as we speak.

So once again I am a winner.  I will give you samples of my new senses if you’d like:  Lavender Vanilla/Fabulous Forest/Glacier Waterfall/Tangy Citrus.  These aromas are so delicious you’ll be tempted to drink my citrusy all-purpose cleaner and/or munch one of my lavender vanilla MAGIC ERASER bath scrubbers while you soak—in a sudsy, meadow & rain infused, no-wax floor cleaner.     

Proctor gambled on new smells and won.  And I am the hero of this incredible non-fiction, long story.  But now I must hang up and get to my laundry.  Every darn white T- shirt I own is in the hamper, not really soiled but their cent is fading and I got a BIG job to do first thing in the mourning.  Don’t worry about your tarnished history, Nance, just rise to the next occasion like a luscious lemon soufflé.   I look forward to seeing you at Wal-Mart sooner not later.

Ciao for now!”

Click.

Mum was pretty much the word on my END.


MY FAVORITE BAR

I am not officially the “Queen of Clean” but  aspire to the title, so I use FELS-NAPTHA.  Admittedly, this is not exactly a catchy name for a 100-year-old heavy stain removing bar, but its fighting power is legendary.  I use it constantly for tough laundry issues, poison ivy treatment (not often, thank goodness), plant pest control, and fungus on my garden flowers.  The stuff is phenomenal.  And by the way, for those of you pet lovers; the formula also rids fleas and ticks from your furry friends.

I know what you are wondering:  what is in this miraculous soap?  I cannot be of much help with this question.  The red, white, yellow and green wrapping around the bar claims the following ingredients:

Cleaners, soil & stain removers, chelating agents, (look it up) colorants, perfume.  Contains NO Naphthalen.

“Phew, that is good to know” is my response to this final claim.

I wonder what Naphthalen might be and am guessing it was originally in the soap’s formula—hence the not so catchy name.  I think I need to do some further research before I wash my next load of soiled clothes, linens, towels and attempt to kill the pests and fungi on my plants.

First, you should know that the ever-so-familiar DIAL Corporation manufactures FELS-NAPTHA and publicly admits “this soap is a skin irritant and not to be used directly on the skin.  Grated and added to a wash cycle, about 1/16th of a bar’s worth of Fels per load eliminates residual resins that remain in clothes up to a year”.

Now I am agitated.  I mean, the Dial executives/creative people probably have polished lawyers who can and do keep their products appearing “clean” and on the market.  Although I have noticed not many stores carry FELS-NAPTHA so am excited when I spot it (no pun intended) in the detergent aisle in some super market or drug store.  And load up on the magic potion.

SO I have referred to the incomparable authority—WIKIPEDIA to uncover the dirt on FELS-NAPTHA.

“Ick”.   ) < :

Seems the standard solvent used in the soap is another name for mineral spirits, which are a mixture of multiple chemicals made from petroleum.  If you ask me, chemical is a filthy, dirty word; I don’t care for it.  Plus, exposure to many of them can affect one’s central nervous system, causing dizziness, headaches, or a prolonged reaction time.  It can also cause eye, skin, or throat irritation.

(And until now I simply thought I was dehydrated when I experienced these symptoms…)

Okay, so my intent is to help you readers learn from this crazy blog, but now realize I uncover unknown information for myself.  Nasty, crucial facts–loads of them.  Okay, I admit I am addicted to FELS-NAPTHA, so will try to give it up on my own.  If I fail, I will contact my old and dear pal Mr. Clean for his advice and guidance.  I am sure my bright, dependable friend has a solution for my problem(s) and I will recover and come out fresh and clean.

There you have it, but before I close I must share my favorite comment on line from a very satisfied FELS-NAPTHA customer:

***** Cleans pork off a wedding dress!

Reviewer:  Suzy Marie from SLC, Utah

“After taking bridal pictures and getting muddy, I took my dress to the dry cleaners.  $70!  So after getting dirt, gravy, dust, and red and green flower stains on my dress at the wedding, I needed it cleaned.  But didn’t want to spend another $70.

A friend’s mom suggested washing the dress in a bathtub with FELS-NAPTHA.  I was skeptical, but figured it couldn’t do much harm.  I wasn’t planning on wearing it again anytime soon  : )

 

Well, it worked beautifully!  The soap made the laced along the bottom look as white as ever and green leaf stains on the front are totally gone.  This soap is amazing.  Harsh enough to take out the stain, but delicate enough even for lace on a wedding dress.  $2 a bar is more than worth it.”

In answer to the question—

Was this review helpful to you?  Yes/No    

I shout out“DEFINITELY NOT!  THIS IS LIKE PROMOTING CRYSTAL METH TO AN ADDICT!”

But I would have liked to have been at Suzy’s wedding.  Sounds like a good time was had by all, especially the fun-loving bride.


P O W E R

P O W E R

is the word of the moment.  Obama thinks he has it; Mitt wants it; and many of us in DC/Virginia/Maryland don’t have it–thanks to that recent dam “land hurricane/tornado/derecho/wind storm”.

Please let me blow off steam.

It all boils down to C O N T R O L.  Not one to follow politics, I guess Barack thinks he is boss at the moment.  And Romney, a Mormon, monitors each motion of every damn member of his perfect family. And neither DOMINION  POWER nor PEPCO can seem to restore it.

I even read Ann Romney has straight/good posture—at her age??  Now, that is self control.

Back to me.  I drive home during the storm only to find no electricity in my driveway.  Garage door does not budge when I push the remote button.  “Drats”.  I want to get inside, put recently purchased frozen foods in freezer, sip a cold drink, move wet clothes from washer to dryer, blow dry my sweaty hair. And so on.

POWER is out, I realize as neighbor’s TV is dark.  Once again, I must think quickly.  YES!  Painter who did not show today left his tall ladder leaning against “terrace” off my 2nd story bedroom.  Kicking off my pumps, I take control and scale the ladder within seconds, then hurl myself over the rail not unlike an Olympic pole vaulter.  All the while I am praying to the gods that terrace door remains unlocked.

The gods are on my side.  Slipping into my cool bedroom, I know I am home.  Pausing to catch my breath, lights flash, TV blares, AC hums, ice maker barks, birds chirp.

P O WE R  is back…

So who is in control?