THE BIG RED SPOONER

Betty Crocker knows the Jolly Green Giant from elementary school in Minnesota, where she was several years ahead of him.  Some mornings they rode the same yellow bus although legend and logic have it the tall green lad was forced to ride with his head and neck sticking out the window…

Betty, admittedly one smart cookie, has a textured past.  Sure, she did well peddling all the food products we know and love, and even has a cookbook in her name.  But there is more to her rich story.

It is not common knowledge that Miss Crocker got mixed up with a burnt-out guy who liked to beat her up and whisk her off to seedy bars and steamy nightclubs. This was a recipe for disaster, and she felt like a battered, half- baked tart when he was done.  What’s worse, she had a bun in the oven within months, and delivered a pudgy, pasty-skinned kid they called the “Dough Boy”.  Having no dough to support them, Betty cooked up the idea of working as a hungry housekeeper.  One tepid day the woman, not frigid despite her past, ran into Mr. Clean at the local Wal-Mart, where they discussed household cleaners and favorite recipes.

Noticing his tight buns and creamy skin, Betty was swept off her feet.  Within weeks they moved into a tasteful 2 ½ bedroom condo in Baker, Oregon(o), strictly for economic reasons.  Betty poured every thought of her ex down the drain like a flat rum and coke, and Mr. Clean told her she’d achieved a “job well done”.

Once back on her feet the culinary specialist bought a new set of Farberware and some nifty glass bowls that stacked like cupcake papers.   She was back in business and within months had created “Bac-O’s”, “Hamburger Helper” and “Warm Delights” while her roommate’s career blossomed like a cheesy soufflé. To a certain degree, the two tastefully blended their bitter sweet lives, did a complete 360– and lived happily ever after for approximately 375 to 400 months.

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